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Sabji Acchi bani hai – Part 1

Setting: A typical IT company office in India. 3 cubicles (cutouts) can be seen, Stage center back. Three men are sitting with backs facing the audience. They appear to be working. They are – Sumit in the Stage Right cubicle, Shanky in the Stage center and Rahul/Ashutosh on Stage Left. Loud sighs can be heard coming from Shanky when the curtain opens.

After about 30 seconds of listening to the loud sighs.
Sumit (turning to Shanky): Abey yaar Shanky, itna udaas kyun hai?
Shanky (turns to Audience and rolls his chair to Stage Center): Ama yaar kya btaun, kimkartavyavimoodh ho rakha hun.
Rahul (turns and rolls his chair to Center Left): Kim Kardashian? Abey tu itna udaas hai ki khud ke words bnane lag gaya hai?
Shanky: Abey ghonchu, hindi ka shabdkosh khol liya kar kabhi, authentic word hai.
(Rahul is still scratching his head)
Sumit (rolling chair to Center Right): Shanky, itne bhaari words mat use kar, usse samajh nahi aate, (turning to Rahul) dude, vo keh raha hai ki vo confused hai ki kya kare! Shanky, tu ye to bta ki tujhe hua kya?
Shanky (showing disappointment with ‘shucks’): Kya btaun yaar, jab se shaadi hui hai, meri pyaari preeto ne Anarkali ko chodd ke Kali ka roop dharan kar liya hai. Life jhand ho gayi hai…
Rahul: Accha, teri bhi yehi halat hai?
Sumit: Yaar sabki yehi halat hoti hai, ismein naya kya hai?
Shanky: Naya hai yaar! Pehle to main preeto ko compliment karta tha, to has ke kehti thi, ki tum to bade romantic ho!
Sumit: Aur ab?
Shanky: Yaar ab agar usse kehta hun ki sabji acchi bani hai, to usse sunta hai ki sabji KACCHI bani hai! Bekar mein har subah jagdha ho jaata hai.
Rahul: Yaar, ye to mere saath bhi bda hota hai, tang ho gaya hun!
Sumit: Yaar same here. Life ne bda hi ajeeb mod liya hai, Socha tha shaadi kar ke life mein shaanti aegi.
Shanky: Dude shaanti to aayi, par sukuun waali nahi, DD ki Mandira Bedi waali Shanti, aur uske rehte kisi ke life mein shaanti nahi ho sakti!

(Entry: Stage Left: Nitin & Sahil. Cue Music ‘Style mein rehne ka’. End music when they reach stage center)
Khannas: Hey Boys, wassup?
Shanky: Lo aa gaye Khanna aur Khanna, ab inki bhi sunni padegi.
Sahil: Kya hua bhaiyon, tum log mayusi ki gehraiyon mein kyun doobe hue ho? Thoda Surface pe bhi aao! (optionally takes out a Microsoft Surface)
Sumit: Abey rehne de, tu to chada hai, adrak kya jaane bandar ka swaad?
Nitin: Abey Bansi, kam se kam muhavre to sahi quote kiya kar.
Shanky: Choodo yaaron, sahi quote karne se pehle to Bansi ka court marshal ho jaega!
Rahul: Abey ek baat btao, tu shaadishuda hai (pointing to Nitin) , aur tu chada (pointing to Sahil, who ‘shucks’ at the comment), par tum dono ke chehre se kabhi khushi jaati hi nahi, maajra kya hai?
Shanky: Haan be, aaj gadhe ko bhi baap bna lete hai. Tum dono ka kya secret hai bhai log?
Sahil: Secret? To tum log hamara raaz jaanna chahte ho? Ok!
(Points to Shanky’s chair and coughs. Shanky shakes his head and gets up. Sahil sits down and crosses his legs.)
Sahil: Tu suno!
Rahul: Arrey, arrey, Sahil Baba ki Jai!
Sahil: Shaant, bhakt! Gyaan ko wholesome swallow karne ke liye taiyaar ho jao! Dekho, tumhari ashanti ki jad hai tumhari biwiyaan. Mujhe dekho, koi ashanti nahi. Friday night ko partying ki koi time limit nahi. Ghar ke fridge mein beer ki kabhi tangi nahi. Ye hai meri khushi ka raaz!
(In the meanwhile, Shanky goes back to his cube and gets a file. He smacks Sahil on the head with the file, who gets up and stands to Stage Right.)
Shanky: Abey duffer, teri khushi and uske peeche chupe dukh ka hum sabko pta hai. Ek hai jo tujhe akela chodti nahi, aur ek hai jo teri pakad mein aati nahi. Teri life jhand hai to hamari to mat bna!
(Then Nitin sits on the center seat)
Nitin: Doston, tumhari dikkaton ko main khub samajhta hun, aakhir, main bhi to shaadishuda hun!
Sumit: Abey pooch raha hai ki bta raha hai?!
Nitin (raises palm to Sumit): Please, do not interrupt! Sahil ne tumhe bachelorhood ka raaz bataya, ab main tumhe Happily Ever After ka batata hun. Dekho, auratein, nazuk kali ki tarah hoti hain, zyada kheencha taani karoge, to udaas ho jaengi. And agar tumne unhe tang kiya to vo tumhe tang karengi. Simple.
(Shanky comes and shakes the chair hard, Nitin falls forward and quickly stands to the side, Stage Left)
Nitin: Kya be, gyaan accha nahi laga?
Shanky: Abey tera abhi honeymoon period chal raha hai. Jab usmein se honeymoon khatam ho jaega tab pta chalega tujhe!

Rahul: Yaar, in dono ka gyaan to useless hai, to main apni biwi ka kya karun?
Sumit: Abey teri exact problem kya hai?
Rahul: Yaar jab bhi main ghar jaata hun, ya to uska mood nahi hota, ya headache hota hai. Iss headache ke chakar mein mera head Two ho gaya hai!
Shanky (sitting down in the chair and crossing his legs): Bacchon, time aa gaya hai ki hum apas mein hi in maslon ka hal nikaalein. Rahul, teri problem ka ek hi hal hai, jo maine bahut pehle discover kiya tha. Jab bhi teri biwi bole ki usse headache hai, usse keh ki aaj tu use dinner pe le ke jaane waala tha. Paanch minute mein headache gayab.
Rahul: Wah Shanky Baba! Kya idea diya hai!
Sahil: Abey headache to chala jaega, but hafte mein jitni baar iski biwi ko headache hota hai, ye to bahar ke dinners kara kara ke lut jaega.
Rahul: Haan yaar, point!
Shanky: Murkh prani, uska bhi ilaaj hai. (To Rahul) Ek do baar dinner le ja, but baaki time bol diya kar ki reservation nahi mili ya phir jin doston ke saath plan tha, unhone cancel kar diya. Phir dekhna, teri biwi kahegi ki itna taiyaar hui hai, opportunity waste kyun karni?
(Everyone laughs a sinister laugh)
Shanky: Abey teri problem to solve ho gayi, but mera kya? Meri biwi ko to ye bhool gaya hai ki compliment kaese lete hain. Kya karen?
(Everyone thinks for a while. Then Nitin suddenly has an idea. He calls out to everyone. They realize what he’s about to do.)
Everyone else: Abey Khanne office mein nahi!
Nitin(In an increasing voice): Abey suno! I HAVE AN IDEA!!!!
(Everyone shuts their ears, off stage someone shouts: Khanne chup kar!)
Nitin: Guys, I have it. So simple! What an idea!
Sumit: Abey share bhi karega ya maarun chappal?
Sahil: Waise yaar, clarify one thing, tu office chappal mein kaise aa sakta hai, tera boss kuch bolta nahi hai?
Rahul: Abey ye baad mein discuss kar lena, pehle iss Khanne ki sun lo warna ye phir hamare kaan phaadega!
Shanky: Haan be, bol, what is your idea?
Nitin: Dekho, I read somewhere…
Sumit: Abey nahi yaar, iski schemes jab bhi ‘I read somewhere’ se start hoti hain to hum everywhere se pit-te hain! Nahi yaar, nahi!
Nitin: Abey sun to lo! Fool proof hai!
Everyone: chal bta hi de
Nitin: I read somewhere ki auraton pe reverse psychology badi chalti hai. So Shanky, tu agar preeto ko compliment dene ke bajae complaint dega, to dekhna, baat ban jaegi!
Shanky: Kya baat ban jaegi be? Already gussa hai mujhse, agar complaint kari to ghar se bahar phaenk degi. Kya ghatiya idea hai yaar.
Nitin: Nahi nahi, sun na, Simple rakh. Complaint aese de ki hidden compliment ho. Jaese, agar khaana accha bna ho to bol, “Preeto, galat baat hai, itna accha khaana banaogi to main kabhi bahar ka khaana appreciate hi nahi kar paunga. You spoil me yaar!”
Shanky: Haan! Ye chal sakta hai! This is a good idea Khanne. Wah! Maan gaye, tere faltu ke ideas sun sun ke Engineering mein to kabada ho gaya, kam se kam shaadi mein to kuch benefit ho jaega!
Sahil: Chalo be, 5 o’clock. Time to hit the pub!
Rahul: Bhai tu hi jaa pub, mujhe to kaam karna hai aur phir ghar ja ke biwi ko khush karna hai.
(They all disperse, end of scene one.)

 

Part 2 has been written!

I was once described as a philosopher programmer. I think I'd like to describe myself as a lifelong student.

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Webmentions

  • Continuing from Part 1
    Scene 2
    (Rahul goes home to his wife. Setting: Home, with a few chairs. The IT office is in the background, covered by only a thin veil, as if to depict that life always revolves around the office.)
    Rahul: Rajjo darling, kaisi ho? Din kaesa tha?Rajjo: Hai! Pucho mat! Kitna kaam tha aaj! Tang ho gayi main to!Rahul (to the audience, as though talking to himself): Lagta hai aaj hi Shanky ka paintra lagane ka mauka mil gaya.Rahul (to Rajjo): Oho! Darling maine to aaj tumhe bahar le ke jaane ka plan banaya tha. Chalo, ab cancel karna padega.Rajjo (looking tired): Accha? Haan, rehne do. Main sachmuch mein bahut tired hun.Rahul (to audience): Abey, ye to maani nahi. Lagta hai full force attack karna padega!Rahul (to Rajjo): Accha Darling? Chalo koi baat nahi. Main Shanky aur Preeto ko phone kar deta hun ki hum nahi aa rahe.Rajjo (getting angry): Arey tumne mere se bina puche plan kaise bna liya? Tumhe pta nahi chalta kya ki ghar pe kitna kaam hota hai? Kam se kam ek phone hi kar lete ki mera mood hai ki nahi! Ab nahi jaenge to bura lagega. Main taiyaar ho ke aati hun. (exit Stage Left)Rahul (to audience): Abey shit! Ab to ye ready bhi ho rahi hai aur gussa bhi ho gayi! Agar ab bola ki plan cancel to main to (enacting a noose around his neck). Lagta hai Shanky ke saath plan banana hi padega (exit Stage Right, taking out phone and calling Shanky)
    –
    (Shanky’s place. Setting: Dining Room. Shanky just got home after a long day in the office. Preeto already has dinner ready, is setting the table)Shanky: Preeto meri jaan! Aaj to badi haseen lag rahi ho!Preeto: Aji flirt karna rehne do, tumhe jhoot bolna shobha nahi deta (continues setting the table)Shanky (to audience): Abey, main to bhool hi gaya (snaps his fingers), reverse psychology!Shanky (to Preeto): Darling, khaane mein kya hai?Preeto (seeming upset): Aaj time nahi tha, sirf daal aur tinde banaye hain.Shanky: Accha, zara taste to karun (takes a spoonful of dal and eats it. His face lights up as it is very tasty). Arrey wah!Preeto: Lo, tumhe to ye ghatiya si daal bhi pasand aa gayi. Tumhara taste bahut ganda hai.Shanky: Arrey nah!Preeto: Hain, kya?Shanky: Arey meri Preeto, itna galat karti ho tum. Tumhe sharam nahi aati kya?Preeto (getting angry): Hain, maine kya galat kiya?Shanky: Arrey nahi nahi, main to ye keh raha tha ki tum time pass ke liye hi itna accha khaana bna leti ho, mujhe to hotel ke khaane ki aadat hi nahi rahegi. Galat baat hai na?Preeto: Accha, ab main khaana accha banaun to bhi tumhe problem hai? Waise jhoot bolte rehte ho, aaj maine itni mehnet kari hai to tumhe khaana ‘kam’ accha chahiye? (starts sobbing, shifts to Stage Left Forward) Isse accha to main Mummy ke paas hi chali jaati hun!Shanky (to audience): Arrey pta tha! Ye Khanna ke plan hamesha fail hote hain! Phas gaya re!
    (Shanky’s phone rings. It’s Rahul, who can be seen in the background at Stage Left Back)Shanky: Haan bol RahulRahul: Yaar panga pai gaya. Rajjo bahar aane ko taiyaar to ho rahi hai, par is liye kyunki maine usse kaha ki tu aur Preeto bhi aa rahe hain. Aur yaar, bade gusse mein hai! Please Preeto ko le ke aaja yaar.Shanky: Abey yaar, yahan bhi plan backfire kar gaya hai. Abhi agar maine bahar ke khaane ka zikr bhi kiya, to Preeto to mujhe chodd ke maike chali jaegi.Rahul: Abey yaar, aese mat bol! Ab agar maine Rajjo ko bahar nahi khilaya to meri to kabar hi milegi. Kuch kar yaar, kuch kar!Shanky: Yaar iss changul se bachne ka ek hi tareeka hai. Tu Rajjo ko mere ghar le aa. Uski outing bhi ho jaegi aur tum log aa ke Preeto ke khaane ki tareef karna taki vo bhi khush ho jae.Rahul: Dude, mast idea hai! Main bas abhi le ke aaya Rajjo ko!
    (They cut the call and Rahul exits. Just as Shanky is about to go to Preeto, his phone rings again. This time, Sumit appears on the other end.)Shanky: Bol BansiSumit: Yaar badi problem ho gayi. Shanno pe maine Khanne ki reverse psychology try kari to vo to gussa hi ho gayi. Tere yahan le aun? Preeto se thoda baat karegi to shayad thodi thandi ho jae. Kya kehta hai?Shanky: Haan, tu bhi aaja. Rahul ne bhi abhi phone kiya ki uska bhi plan fail ho gaya. Vo bhi Rajjo ko yahan le ke aa raha hai. Bas ek condition hai.Sumit: Vo kya?Shanky: Preeto gussa ho rakhi hai ye soch ke ki mujhe uska ghar ka khaana pasand nahi. Tujhe aur Shanno ko uski badi tareef karni hogi. Done?Sumit: Done hi done hai dost! Mujhe to waise hi Preeto ke haath ka khaana bada pasand hai.Shanky: Chal vadiya pher. Aaja tu bhi. Main tab tak Preeto ko manata hun.

    Scene 3
    (Two days later, at the office. Shanky and Sumit walk in from Stage Left, both smiling. They are talking about something but the audience can’t hear what they’re saying. Rahul walks in from Stage Right and Sahil from Stage Left. Rahul is also beaming like Shanky and Sumit. They both reach Stage Center, where they meet Shanky and Sumit.)Sahil: Arrey wah bhaiyon! Tum sab to khushi ki unchaiyon pe udd rahe ho! Thoda flight land kar ke mujhe bhi batao ki majra hai kya?Shanky (keeping a hand on Sahil’s shoulder): Dost, bas kya bataein, life mein sukuun waali shanti ho gayi hai.Sumit: Haan yaar Khanne, Khanne ka reverse psychology waala paintra chal hi gaya.Rahul: Starting mein thodi dikkat hui thi, par yaar, life ab ekdum chill ho gayi hai!Shanky: Abey waise Khanne, dusra Khanna hai kahan? Dikha hi nahi do din se.Sahil: Haan dude, I’ve also not seen him. Pta nahi kahan hai. Kal to usne Out Of Office dala tha aur aaj bhi late ho gaya hai.Sumit: Lo, speak of the evil and aa gaya vo.Rahul: Abey Shakespeare ke kaatil, ab English ke muhavron ki bhi lega tu? Evil nahi, Devil!Sumit: Haan, vo hi, vo hi.
    (Everyone turns to Stage Left. Nitin enters. He has a bruised lip, black eye, tousled hair and is walking with a crutch)Sahil: Abey yaar, ye kya ho gaya tujhe? Kisne teri ye halat kar di?Shanky: Abey pit-pita gaya kya? Kisi ne wallet lootne ke chakkar mein teri izzat loot li?Sumit: Abey tum logon ko mazaak sooj raha hai? Nitin Baba ko gehri chot aayi hai. Abey Khanne, bta to, ye kisne kiya?
    (Nitin reaches Stage Center and goes ahead towards the audience)Nitin:… (says something unintelligible)Shanky: Hain, kya kaha?Rahul: Abey tu bol yaar! Teri wajah se hamari life set ho gayi hai, tu jise bolega pakad ke peet denge! (with this, he slaps Nitin on the back, causing him to shout in pain)Nitin: Abey haath mat laga yaar, har jagah se dukhta hai!Sumit: Chalo awaaz to waapis aayi.Sahil: Haan bhai, ab bol. Ye hashr kisne kiya tera?Nitin: Abey rehne do yaar, jaane do…Rahul: Arrey aese kaise jaane den? Hamare dost ko koi hurt kare, ye hum nahi sahenge. Tu naam batata hai ya dun ek aur shaabashi? (he raises his hand)
    (Nitin gets scared and moves away from Rahul)Nitin: Nahi, nahi! Batata hun be. J-Jeeto ne…Everyone (in shock): Kya? Kya keh raha hai be?Nitin: Haan yaar, sach.Shanky: Abey teri reverse psychology se hamari to aish ho gayi, tune kya kiya?Nitin: Kya bataun yaar, tum logon ko advice dene ke baad maine socha main bhi try kar leta hun, dekhta hun kya hoga.Sahil: Phir?Nitin: Phir kya yaar? Vo kahavat suni hai na, “Don’t try to fix what isn’t broken”? Bas, ye samajh lo ki mera Honeymoon period khatam aur Typhoon period shuru!
    (Curtain)